Just Another Day at Work...

Here I am reviewing troops at a local "Success in Scotland" rally.

As Nicholas II once said: "God help me, but I love it so when they cheer!"

Oh Dear!

I can't think of anything to post...

I'm so embarrassed!

DEUS VULT!

As you can see, Our Minister for Religious Affairs

has been most assiduous in his duties!
(see http://www.churchsigngenerator.com)

Hamster Aphorism of the Week

What seemed true once
now appears only
to have been fashionable.

Wicked Hamster's Handy Protocol Tips

When meeting a global monarch,

it is considered very impolite to wear a hat flashier than that
of the monarch.

One if by land, two if by sea...

Here, our All-Capybara Amphibious Assault Battalion trains squirrel-monkeys (a primate clever enough to give itself a rodentine identity) for assault on Scottish coastal fortifications. Victory is assured!

-- Your All-Conquering and Ever-Victorious Despot

Busy, busy...

Sorry to be remiss in posting, but as you likely know, the Queen is coming here to pay her respects. We've all been busy fussing up the place. The Hamster must show fitting hospitality to his fellow-monarchs.

Thoughtful Gifts - cont.

"Yeah, I just got one of these myself. You'll love it! You put the coffee in here..."

Thoughtful Gifts for Monarchs

"A new plunge-pot. Great! My old one broke last week. How did you know?"

Hamster Aphorism of the Week

--------------
Just because I don't care
doesn't mean I don't understand
--------------

EasterFunnies -- BONUS!!!

I told you you'd all pay. I didn't want it to come to this,
but an example had to be made!
There's more where this came from,
don't make me use it!

EaterFunnies #4

We end this Easter Week series on a sombre, reflective note, pondering mortality.

EasterFunnies #3

This one is dedicated to the dear and loyal married couples amongst my subjects.

EasterFunnies #2

The Hamster requires you to laugh.

EasterFunnies #1

(This moment of mirth is brought to you by Decree of The Hamster)

Despotic Easter Wishes to All!

Here is a picture of Us giving secret orders to Our ally, the Easter Bunny, to gather intelligence on Scotland during his rounds this weekend and make a full report upon his return. The Hamster has friends in the highest places and in all places. Let the heather and thistle look upon Us and despair! Happy Easter everybody!

Où sont les français?

(according to Wikipedia, s.v. "flying squirrel," this is a Southern Flying Squirrel from N. America)

Marshalling the forces...

Those of you who have been keeping up with Our Good and Right-Trusty Woodchuck (http://woodchuckwisdom.blogspot.com/) know that he has been diligent in training our squirrel infantry for our forthcoming annexation of Scotland. Your friendly, neighborhood global tyrant has not been slacking either. Once again, our mighty hamster scientists have stunned the world, and we will unleash upon an unsuspecting Scotland a new battalion of I.F.A.* Squirrel Commandos (* = Idividualized Flying Apparatus).
Let the bogs sink in fear! (Oh wait, they seem to have already...)

Better?

Since there was ambiguity for some regarding what exactly mother hamster was doing in the previous post, I thought I'd try another image of motherhood. They sorta look like big hamsters... in a way... from the right angle... Oh, never mind.

Happy Mothers' Day!

(First of all, if any of you let out that I indulged in human sentiment and compassion, you're all dead meat!)

In honor of Kel, Meritt, Mahala, and all the other blogger-Moms out there and all the stuff and self-sacrifice and everything they do...

Thank You!
(and NO, Mommy is NOT eating her young in this pic!)

Hamster Aphorism of the Week

What cannot be anticipated cannot be controlled.
What cannot be controlled is to be feared.
Constant vigilance!

Practice makes perfect...

Getting ready to rule Scotland.

"Legions... Attack!"

Having just secured Fern Lea Cottage in Yorkshire as a forward base for our invasion of Scotland this summer, here we have the much-feared "The Hamster's Own" 65th All Squirrel Paratrooper Battalion on a training flight for jumping onto the moors. Let the Highlands tremble in fear!

Whilst the Squirrel's away...

We've had our laboratories work up some potential stand-ins.

{insert wicked and fiendish hamster laugh here}

Hamster Aphorism of the Week

"Life is hard, but at least it's half over."

M' Lords, Ladies, and Gentlepersons...

We present to you, His Serene Grace,
the Archplatypus!

Howdy again!
(protocol requires you to stand and salute this time)

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!

Yes, your beloved despot has resumed duties for his blog. Yes, you have my permission to rejoice with transports of unparalleled glee. Let me also thank my good and faithful subject, Lanfranc the Platypus for his exemplary service whilst I was attending to other matters. In recognition of this service, we create him

Archplatypus of the Imperial Hamster Realms

with all the rights and privileges attached thereunto (as soon as we figure out what exactly the rights and privileges attached to an Archplatypus are).

Now... back to business. In order to keep you all edified and entertained, we are starting a new feature here on WickedHamster:

The WickedHamster Aphorism of the Week!

From time to time, maybe like once a week, we will share some of our nuggets of wisdom by which we have become the modern, successful global tyrant we are, in the hope that you will find them improving. The aphorism for this week:

We so often forget that surprises in our lives
can be pleasant and joyful....
There's a reason for that.

Rodents!

The Majordomo and Arch-Chamberlain read Kel's comment on the previous post, and thought he might post a picture of him with his staff.

Majordomo

Since, as y'all well know, Our All-Glorious & Beloved Global Tyrant is nothing if not careful and thorough in his administration, I thought I'd introduce to you our immediate boss here at the residence, the Majordomo of the Imperial Hamster Palace and Arch-Chamberlain of Residential Livestock.

"Oh please, no need to stand and salute."

Isn't he just the cutest little Imperial Majordomo and Arch-Chamberlain?





Lanfranc

Rumo(u)r has it...

that WH, DG, and TR are planning a little get-away this summer at a country cottage in the north of England, with Bert and Someone.Now, I'm a city-platypus, so I'd be afraid I'd run out of things to do in the country. So I hope they find ways to amuse themselves.Still, I can see the attraction of a few days of a simple, uncluttered life.
I'll keep you posted. The penguins can never keep their beaks shut when there's news afoot, so I hear it all.

Yours devotedly -- Lanfranc

For Woodchuck

WH asked me to post these for him. - L the P

A Fleecy Flock

Greetings once again nature lovers! Though penguins are, of course, extremely adorable creatures (they will hurt me if I don't say things like that), many consider our little flock of sheep here to be the cutest and cuddliest inhabitants of our happy, little dwelling -- next to WH, of course (he'll hurt me if I don't say things like that).My fuzzy, fluffy companions here are (l to r): Max, SleepySheepy, Lambie, and Daisy. They are especially grateful for their cozy wool coats in the chilly temps we've been having. And for those of you who think we only have strange animals living in this house: See! a flock of perfectly normal sheep. They haven't even been to France!

Later - Lanfranc the P.

No matter how cynical you get...

you just can't keep up. -- Lily Tomlin
Exciting news, o aficionados of despair! The new 2007 "Demotivation" catalogue is out, with lots of viciously hysterical products that spoof corporate "motivational" drivel. Give up hope and get yours today at http://www.despair.com!

Just when you thought...

this blog couldn't get any weirder, Platypus Productions is pleased to present:

Ice-Skating Cowboys!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkp9OXAVD88

-- Lanfranc

The Aviary: Chapter One of Many

Howdy once again, platypus fans! WH was so pleased with my last post, that he's letting me fill in for him a little while longer. Well... you knew it was coming. As you know, I live with an extraordinarily large number of penguins. Amazing, considering the vast majority of them live only in the southern hemisphere; the relatively few up here live either in zoos, theme parks, or WH & DG's living room.

Now, penguins, as everyone knows, are very special and extraordinary birds to begin with. I, however, have the privilege of living with some very special and extraordinary penguins. In the course of my stay as narrator of the Wicked Hamster Blog, I will introduce you to a few of them. Unlike wombats (I'm still working on Rodney) most penguins adore the spotlight - genetic high self-esteem being only one of their many virtues.

Let's start with George:We found George just outside of DC, in Alexandria VA in fact, just a stone's throw from the Pentagon. I can't go into his work when he was there, since it remains classified. But like me, he too was tired of the DC rat-race, and when he heard about the luxury colony in Kentucky with so many avians of distinction, he jumped at the chance.

George is a big Harry Potter fan, so much so that he actually applied to the world-famous academy of penguin-wizardry, Frostwarts School, and graduated with honors. I got him to pose in his regalia, as you see. Isn't he striking in profile?More to come!

-- Lanfranc the Platypus

Presenting the Wombat

...almost.

Sorry it's been a while, but it took longer than expected to learn to handle the camera with webbed feet. Now that I've got the hang of it, I was going to introduce, as promised, my fellow-countryman, Rodney the Wombat. I mentioned he was shy...

but neglected to mention how expert wombats are at burrowing.

Try as I might, I couldn't persuade him to show his cute, little face to the camera. Well, I'll keep talking to him. In the meantime, I will endeavor to entertain you by introducing you to other friends and housemates in future posts.

Wishing you well! -- Lanfranc the Platypus

Chapter the Twelfth:

Wherein we meet our friend... the platypus.

"Howdy!"

Our Dread and Sovereign Lord, The Hamster, has been quite busy of late in his alter-ego as a mild-mannered Classics professor at a major state university. So he asked me to fill in and entertain y'all for a while.

As some of you likely know, the fetching residence of WH and DG is populated by more than just a flock of some 90 penguins. (There sure are a lot of 'em!) Other creatures of wit, talent, and distinction also live here. There is a small flock of sheep, a dodo (from England), about 6 puffins (which being cliff-dwelling birds, roost atop a tall bookcase), a wombat, and few other odds and ends here and there.

How, may you ask, did we all end up here? Well, as you know DG and WH (and TR of course) do a fair amount of travelling to interesting places. Because they are persons of quality, they often hang out where creatures of quality such as ourselves may be found. I was "discovered" working at a souvenir shop in Washington, D.C. - Natural History Museum to be exact. I wanted more excitement than I could get in my little burrow by the stream "Down Under," and I figured America's capital was where the action was. Turned out getting a job wasn't easy. Had trouble working for the feds since I was still an Australian citizen. D.C. was fun, but it can get pricey, and souvenir shop wages don't amount to much -- especially if you're the merchandise.

So when WH and DG came by and saw me, and commented to one another that I looked like "their kind of critter," and that they were in the market for a companion for their wombat, who was getting a little homesick, I immediately took them up on their offer to whisk me away to a life of ease and luxury (with an enormous number of penguins).

So here I am, and that's also how most of the rest of us got here. I'll have to introduce you to Rodney, the wombat, sometime soon. He's a little camera shy. Until next time, all the best!

-- Lanfranc the Platypus

Commendation & Selections from Our Cellars

First, let me recognize the excellent work being done by good Mr. Squirrel, Supreme Arch-Prefect for Brewing Affairs & Inspector-in-Chief of Ales, most especially in showing initiative in recently extending his purview into rare whiskeys.

Whereas,
Our Good & Right Trusty MR. SQUIRREL
displayed most loyal and meritorious service to us,
we hereby create and proclaim him
ARCH-PROVOST OF SPIRITS,
with all the rights and responsibilities attached thereunto.

-- by Decree of The Hamster

In the spirit of this august and auspicious occasion, I thought I might share some items DG has recently drawn from our cellars. (He's the drinker in the family; although Edmund the Dodo and Lanfranc the Platypus do imbibe from time to time -- but I digress.)

To continue where Mr. Squirrel left off... "Isle of Jura" single-malt scotch whiskey. Distilled since 1810 from pure spring water on the island of Jura, and the sole distillery on the island.

Staying in Britain and not far from the Scottish border, we present an offering from Nick Stafford's Hambletom Ales from north Yorkshire. "Toleration" is brewed from sugar, without any barley, rye, or wheat malt; it is rich in the flavor of cascade, liberty, and challenger hops. (Sounds like something Squirrel would like.)

Offering the best of both worlds of Blue Grass Brewing Company's "Jefferson's Reserve Bourbon Barrel Stout." This fine microbrew stout is aged in used oak barrels from award-winning Jefferson's Reserve bourbon for 90 days. Yummy!

Also in the Bourbon realm is the unique "Prichard's Double Barrelled." This bourbon is aged, blended, and then barrelled and aged again after blending to deliver an especially smooth taste. Paradoxically, this bourbon is produced in Tennessee -- if the governor of Kentucky sees this post, he'll likely revoke my driver's license.

FLEE TO THE HILLS!!!

The end of the world is at hand. Florida beat UCLA in basketball and Ohio State in football... in the same year. The end is nigh! Doom! Ruination! The end of all we hold dear!!!

(Brits are exempted from comprehending the impact of this. No problem! I can't figure out what The Ashes is/are for the life of me.)

Grouchy Grandmas

Now that we are a bit removed from Christmas and there has been some calming of nerves, I thought I might mention our own experience with unfortunate comments by grandmothers. (See Kel's blog: http://monkeydragon42.blogspot.com/ for gory details.) A few years ago, we were at the San Diego Zoo and had the great good fortune of adopting a baby California Condor, whom we named Fluffy.

I just love Fluffy and think he's just the cutest thing. Well, one day, DG's parents stopped by on their way north for the summer, and Fluffy was playing in the living room. DG's mother walked in and said: "Where did you get that homely thing from!" You can imagine how difficult it was to comfort poor little Fluffy. He was sensitive anyway, being endangered and all, and now grandma calls him homely. Of course, being young, Fluffy wanted to make it OK with grandma and kept on asking to go down with us when we'd go to Florida. Oh what to do? He started as a defense mechanism to lord it over the other birds because he was endangered and, therefore, "special." Penguins, as you may know. have very healthy egos, and there were a lot of complaints. (Oh the squawking!) At the same time, he started thinking that grandma would like him better if he weren't a condor. I knew this went too far when he asked to take swimming lessons. Too much time around penguins.

Happily, I was able to find a tutor for Fluffy, and he's now becoming much better adjusted.

He so admires his tutor, in fact, that he now wants to grow up to be an educator himself. His dream is to open a College of General Buzzardry at the world renowned Bob's University of Advanced Penguinity and Comparative Avian Studies.

Bob Penguin, Dr. Peng., D. Litt.
Chancellor, Rector Magnificus, and Archdean
Bob's University of Advanced Penguinity and Comparative Avian Studies

--- and Woodchuck said it couldn't get weirder...