For those especially who did not see this last year:
It
now has become a holiday tradition to harp on Mariah Carey's "All I
Want for Christmas." I frankly have no problem with the song,
despite having once written a little parody of it (see below*) in fact, I
rather like it. I cannot say this for a number of other Christmas
songs. At the same time, some people do not have a problem with the song
per se, but rather that it's overplayed. Well... here I present
my review of Christmas songs I dislike that are equally
ubiquitous. Enjoy!
Carol of the Bells: Yeah,
I get it, the tune is supposed to mimic the sound of bells ringing, but
it comes out as if it was written by someone with a peculiar form of
psychosis. The maniacally relentless and driving repetition, each
in a higher octave, the refrain that sounds like a ride on some sort of
aural roller-coaster. It always gets on my nerves.
Little Drummer Boy:
Aside from the fact that I do not find any such musician attested in
historical or biblical sources, I question whether any mother of a
newborn would encourage drum playing around her baby. Implausible
scenario.
Hallelujah Chorus: OK,
this might take you aback, but hear me out. It is ubiquitous to
say the least, and at least no one does mass annual sing-alongs of "All
I Want for Christmas." Handel's "Messiah" has some pretty pieces
in it, but keep in mind ol' George Frideric's best-known melodic lines
were shamelessly ripped off of Jean-Baptiste Lully from the previous
generation (and he was a far better composer). And then there's
the fact that GF composed his pious little ditties for George II, whose
favorite pastime was the wholesale butchering of Catholic Highland
Scots. Some of GF's works were actually written to celebrate these.
Sleigh Ride: I question the ethics of taking a
horse out in likely icy conditions simply to amuse yourself and show
off to your other privileged friends ("yoo hoo") that you can afford a horse and horse-drawn vehicle. The
whip-crack in the orchestral versions has a chilling effect suggesting
cruelty of some sort (or perhaps kinkiness inappropriate for the
season).
Jingle Bell Rock: Repetition ad nauseam! There are no fewer than 30 jingles in this one. "Modern" Christmas songs habitually overdo jingle, ding-dong, and other such tintinnabulous expressions. Does anyone know where "Jingle Bell Square" is?
Here Comes Santa Clause:
Words almost fail me! Heaven's above the repetition, and I find the
syrupy religious sentiment in the otherwise vacuous lyrics a troubling
juxtaposition. Nowhere in the annals of English-speaking Yuletide
folklore do I find a reference to a "Santa Clause Lane." Sounds like a
street in a cheap subdivision. Besides, Santa and his reindeer are
supposed to fly, what are they doing on the highway?
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree: The
lyrics have more references to dancing than a book on Dionysiac
festivals; see above re repetition. Worse yet, Justin Bieber did
his own version of the song, calling it "always one of my favorite songs
to celebrate the holidays." If that ain't damning I don't know
what is. Audience Survey: Has any of you ever attended a "Christmas Party Hop"?
Wonderful Christmas Time:
The repetition in this meaningless song makes "Jingle Bell Rock" sound
like Shakespeare. Modern Christmas songs are almost devoid of
meaning other than having pleasant feelings and doing pleasant things at
what just happens to be Christmas, feelings and things that can be
experienced almost any time of year. Oh, and the inspired lyrics
in this one, e.g.:
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
See also under "Jingle Bell Rock" above.
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* I don't want cheap shit for Christmas;
I only want expensive things.
Diamonds, rubies, gold for Christmas
And some gaudy cocktail rings.
You can leave me all alone,
Just add to the things I own.
That's all I want for Christmas
From you!
