28 December 2024

Christmas Songs: A Hypercritical Review

OK, it's time to get back into my usual fettle. You didn't expect me to keep up Peace on Earth/Good Will to Humanoids for long, did you? 
 
It now has become a holiday tradition to harp on Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas."  I frankly have no problem with the song, despite having once written a little parody of it (see below*) in fact, I rather like it. I cannot say this for a number of other Christmas songs. At the same time, some people do not have a problem with the song per se, but rather that it's overplayed. Well... here I present my review of Christmas songs I dislike that are equally ubiquitous.  Enjoy!

Carol of the Bells: Yeah, I get it, the tune is supposed to mimic the sound of bells ringing, but it comes out as if it was written by someone with a peculiar form of psychosis.  The maniacally relentless and driving repetition, each in a higher octave, the refrain that sounds like a ride on some sort of aural roller-coaster.  It always gets on my nerves.
 
Little Drummer Boy: Aside from the fact that I do not find any such musician attested in historical or biblical sources, I question whether any mother of a newborn would encourage drum playing around her baby.  Implausible scenario.
 
Hallelujah Chorus: OK, this might take you aback, but hear me out.  It is ubiquitous to say the least, and at least no one does mass annual sing-alongs of "All I Want for Christmas."  Handel's "Messiah" has some pretty pieces in it, but keep in mind ol' George Frideric's best-known melodic lines were shamelessly ripped off of Jean-Baptiste Lully from the previous generation (and he was a far better composer).  And then there's the fact that GF composed his pious little ditties for George II, whose favorite pastime was the wholesale butchering of Catholic Highland Scots. Some of GF's works were actually written to celebrate these.
 
Sleigh Ride: I question the ethics of taking a horse out in likely icy conditions simply to amuse yourself and show off to your other privileged friends ("yoo hoo") that you can afford a horse and horse-drawn vehicle.  The whip-crack in the orchestral versions has a chilling effect suggesting cruelty of some sort (or perhaps kinkiness inappropriate for the season).
 
Jingle Bell Rock: Repetition ad nauseam!  There are no fewer than 30 jingles in this one. "Modern" Christmas songs habitually overdo jingle, ding-dong, and other such tintinnabulous expressions. Does anyone know where "Jingle Bell Square" is?

Here Comes Santa Clause: Words almost fail me! Heaven's above the repetition, and I find the syrupy religious sentiment in the otherwise vacuous lyrics a troubling juxtaposition. Nowhere in the annals of English-speaking Yuletide folklore do I find a reference to a "Santa Clause Lane." Sounds like a street in a cheap subdivision. Besides, Santa and his reindeer are supposed to fly, what are they doing on the highway?  

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree: The lyrics have more references to dancing than a book on Dionysiac festivals; see above re repetition.  Worse yet, Justin Bieber did his own version of the song, calling it "always one of my favorite songs to celebrate the holidays."  If that ain't damning I don't know what is.  Audience Survey: Has any of you ever attended a "Christmas Party Hop"?

Wonderful Christmas Time: The repetition in this meaningless song makes "Jingle Bell Rock" sound like Shakespeare.  Modern Christmas songs are almost devoid of meaning other than having pleasant feelings and doing pleasant things at what just happens to be Christmas, feelings and things that can be experienced almost any time of year.  Oh, and the inspired lyrics in this one, e.g.:

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
 
 Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
 
See also under "Jingle Bell Rock" above.
 
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 *  I don't want cheap shit for Christmas;
    I only want expensive things.
    Diamonds, rubies, gold for Christmas
    And some gaudy cocktail rings.
    You can leave me all alone,
    Just add to the things I own.
    That's all I want for Christmas  
    From you!


 

5 comments:

  1. Good to see your true self emerge. Please be careful about "cheap subdivision"(s), you know how many of those I sold to innocent New Yorkers in my early days.

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  2. Ebeneezer Hamster! I prefer your lyrics over Mariah Carey’s. That’s what she really wanted to say.

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    1. Diamonds are a girl's best friend, ya know...

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  3. I am reading this in January; I don't want to think of any carols or songs until December.

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