Discipline-Specific Guidelines for Classroom Social Distancing

by Bethany S. Keenan

Math

Students will begin in the classroom and then move out in an attempt to be infinity steps apart. Every time they get situated, the professor will shout, “One step further!” When they get back to their dorm rooms, declare that good enough and move class online.

Education

Professors should contact local schools and request printed copies of the amount of bureaucratic paperwork and testing requirements the average teacher deals with during the academic year. This material will be placed as a barrier both between each individual future teacher in your class, and between each future teacher and their pedagogical dreams.

Philosophy

Students should begin class online with a discussion of what it really means to be “in person” anyways. They should then stay online until they have resolved all questions about human existence.

Foreign Languages

Students should remain in their rooms until other countries feel the United States’ handling of the coronavirus is safe enough to allow Americans to travel.

Psychology

As the limitations on student activity in residential areas basically recreates the Stanford Prison Experiment, students should spend the semester taking copious notes on how their roommate is handling things.

Computer Science

The programming students didn’t actually want to leave their dorm rooms anyways. You’re good.

Faculty will be able to guarantee students follow these guidelines by including distancing policies within their syllabus, the one document we know all students read.