07 November 2015

On Age

Well... today I turned 61.  It was a nice, quiet day with my Poopsie; I took a nap for an hour.  Age is a funny thing.  I didn't want anyone to notice my 50th birthday; I was thinking of having a major party for my 60th. (I ended up not doing so because I was just too tired from things at school that year and just wanted to be quiet and away from as many people as possible.)  One reason, admittedly vain, for not minding being in my 60's is that many people put me in my 40's.  But that aside, my 60's have brought me a new sense of self and self-contentment.  I realized just this past year that I've pretty much proven to myself all the things I wanted to prove to myself.  And I care less and less and less about whether I prove myself to anyone else.  I find that I actually don;t care what people, except for the people I love and care about think of me.  It's really rather liberating.  This also produces some less than pleasant side effects: having an even lower opinion of humanity in general, being really bored with my job, for example (more on those topics, undoubtedly, in future posts) - but other than that, I find myself genuinely content with myself.  That is very uncharacteristic of me historically.  Most of my life I've been dissatisfied with myself in some way(s); I think I've really gotten over that.  I think I'm also coming to realize that there has been a certain instinct in me that has, at least for the past couple of decades, ultimately led me to where I am now, or at least it begins to seem so looking back.  While consciously I was often consumed by certain ambitions, for example, there was something in me that seemed to restrain myself and keep my fro the unhappiness they would likely produce.  I'll have to think about that some more.  I think I might be on the verge of experiencing serenity.  Gee... wouldn't that be something... 


  1. No matter how young you are, you will always be older then I am.

  2. you and I are the same age? 45? :)

    "And I care less and less and less about whether I prove myself to anyone else. I find that I actually don't care what people, except for the people I love and care about, think of me. It's really rather liberating." - HELL YEAH! after my cancer surgery in 1989 at age 35, I REALLY began to live. and I don't give a fat rat's ass about how others view my living.

    and now you have a husband! no doubt your life will have some interesting twists and turns in the near future. do write about it!